bursting hearts

hello hello hello.
i know. ive been absolutely, incredibly horrible at blogging. im ashamed, and frankly, i shouldn't even be allowed to be called a blogger anymore. i have to find time for this again.
a shout out to those of you in random states such as, oh i dont know, arkansas, carpe diem is here and she is writing. to you.

the past while has been kind of insane. in the way that, i honestly cannot tell you what the fuck i have been doing with my life. its all been kind of a blur honestly. the back and forth of each day, going to school, and watching that blur by. going to crew, walking past other landmarks like the football field, the concession stand, and of course the baseball field. its empty. its lonely there. a lot of things are lonely now. you've heard that expression, 'in a crowd of a thousand, ive never felt more alone'. im surrounded by moving things, by life, by people and its all a blur. not that im not having fun while it speeds by me. because i am. i laugh significantly harder than i did a year ago. i smile outrageously bigger. i worry less, and hope for more. i breathe now. i didn't used to.

but its all still a blur, it one way or another.
which is what i think happened.
you are my sweetest downfall.
and i gave you a half-hearted apology.
which is weird for me, because i always gave all my heart.
its weird for me because i didn't feel half heartedly upset or sorry. i feel whole-heartedly upset and sorry that time bites us in the ass.

time always bites us in the ass, one way or another.
either it sneaks up on us, and dissapears before we have time to live in it.
or it passes by before we realize an opportunity that could change our lives. yes, you know what im talking about.

and with the blur comes the spinning thoughts. of greece, of egypt, and of what could have been. the spinning thoughts of how typing turns into words that mean something. like right here, right now.

one thing is certain, i whole-heartedly am sure that in this life, in our life, no matter how blurry it gets and no matter how half-hearted our apologies seem, and no matter how much time isn't on our side, everything happens for a reason.

'yesterday, love was such an easy game to play. now i need a place to hide away. oh i believe in yesterday'.
i believe in another time, and another place.
i will never believe in never.

enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. lalalala.