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here we are again.
day 2 of the process of getting back in.
a tuesday. any random tuesday. it was the routine. wake-up to world's greatest, press snooze on my alarm, fall asleep for exactly three minutes, listen to my alarm again. feel the jump in my body as my door opens and my mom peeks her head in and says something. say something back to her that will never make sense. lay flat in bed staring up into the ceiling. try not to cry. no, im not sad. i just hate waking up. plus when i feel like im just a blank piece of paper, sometimes staring into the ceiling makes me want to cry. continue laying in bed until 7:09 when i finally roll out and fall on the floor. i crawl into my closet and stand up. i lose my breath and have to sit down. it makes me want to get healthy. im too tired. every day, every minute, every second, im too tired. i stare at my monotnous line of clothes i wear everyday. try to keep my eyelids open. can't make a decision so i finally stand up and move to the bathroom. same routine everyday. fix my braid a little, just to make it look like im a little bit sane; or at least brush my hair. line my eye's with black pencil, makes them look a little prettier. put on mascara, blink while im doing it, and make a huge mess of my face. roll sugary perfume all over my skin in hopes it will wake me up. it doesnt. not a lot of things can wake me up. from anything. drag my limp body back into my closet and force myself to choose an outfit. get under my covers and change there. its always way too difficult so i get out and put them on like a normal girl. drag my body out to the kitchen and sit down. get a little happier knowing how lucky i am to have a mom that wakes up with me everyday and makes me gourmet breakfast. she made passover pancakes today. she made them up. shes a genius. cover them in powdered sugar and suck down my awake tea (per usual). whine to her about how much i hate school and wish i wouldnt ever have to go. realize its 7:50 and run to my room. put on the exact same amount of toothpaste on my toothbrush. brush. brush. brush. throw everything in my backpack. whine some more. get in the car. mess with scratched cd's. think about how i need to make one for tomorrow. never ever do. pull into school and trapse through the wet grass. know im late for homeroom. slowly go up the stairs, all the while losing my breathe. go on with the monotony of the day. aside from the royal blast of sunshine i see lingering around the water fountain every period. its monotony. get presented with tests i dont know about. don't care. im too tired.
get in the car and feel better. drive home and lay on my bed for exactly 1 minute and 47 seconds. get up and put on clothes for crew. go to crew practice. feel a little better. get in the car. feel a lot worse. feel worse for feeling worse. look. want. feel. hold. kiss. goodbye. text. miss.
get home, open the computer. stare into the abyss. think about doing work. change my mind.
stay up late. just sitting.
that, just like most days, was my day.
barely any emotion. just spinning madly on.
im fighting for the breakthrough. the one i find once in a while. im ready to scream, i guess. maybe that will work. im readier, yes readier, to dance. something ignites when i dance. maybe that will be my breakthrough. maybe tomorrow, tomorrow will be a breakthrough.

enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. lalalala.