walking on the tight rope

its ten minutes till midnight and im sitting in my bed thinking.
thoughts are always racing through my head right before i go into REM but tonight they seem to make me want to write. i haven't blogged in a while, nor have i had the chance, but i figure this is a good place to get whats on my mind out.

i like to think of myself as a good person. a genuinely caring human being with a large heart to boot. those are supposed to be good characteristics, right? they are what everybody looks for in somebody else. yet sometimes, i think they are a load of crap.
take a look at today's society.

in the world of romance and young people, the "hot, it" guy is a bad boy. the justin bobby, cisco adler, jared leto type. the type that looks like they havent showered, shaved, or cut their hair their entire lives. the type that continually screw girls over just because "they can". the type that come and go, give no heart, and live the life of a ROCKSTAR! do you read genuine, good person, caring, or big heart in any of that? i dont.

i like to think of myself is being different. i can tell you that is not my "it" guy, nor would it ever be. but why is it that the people without the genuine and the good person and the caring and the big heart get it all when the people with all the qualities apparently desired, get shafted.

maybe its because those people, the people like me, are soft. maybe its because i care too much. i open my heart too fast. i give everything too soon. i guess its not really a maybe, because i know i do that.
maybe it scares the shit out of people, i dont know. but i dont really comprehend why that is a bad thing. why is giving it my all off the bat a bad thing?

disappointment, i presume. because at this point, giving it my all right at the start is a one sided thing. and on the other end, its not the same. and then im just left with disappointment.

but here's the thing, so what if im disappointed? "its better to have loved and have lost then to have never loved at all"
hell, id rather take chances. id rather take risks. id rather put my heart on the line and get it smashed into a million pieces than give up who i am and what i believe in. because i believe that you fall short of your potential if you dont give it your all. you hinder the potential of the opportunity. you promote its failure.

i promise im not trying to flatter myself, like i said, i like to think im those things. so i will continue to open my heart, to give it all. take it or leave it.

maybe this was all jumbalaya, and maybe it didnt make sense to anybody else but me, but one point is true.

give everything your whole heartedly good person genuine caring all.
you owe it to yourself.


enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. lalalala