im alive and well

you know whats really good together?
hot sauce and mac&cheese. i tried it for the first time last night, and i can't believe i haven't before. im a girl that likes her food spicy, and hot sauce is a good friend of mine. i loved that combo.

that was random, but i just wanted to share it.

care if i spill my thoughts?

i have to say i am emotionally complex at the moment.
first of all, i am very very content. i think just a few little adjustments can totally calm a person and bring them to their "center" if you will. i used to have this obnoxious hot pink comforter until just a few days ago. when i say obnoxious i mean it actually made everything have a pink hue to it. i loved it...when i got it in 8th grade. i was just over that whole teeny bopper thing and finally switched to a white comforter and i immediately felt calmer. then i spent yesterday cleaning my room of the clutter that im sure will re accumulate soon. but i honestly think i have slept better these last few days in this different calmness. i have a million things i should be stressing about, but im somehow miraculously living in the moment, and i am loving it.
im just changing my habits a little bit, one step at a time. i read before bed now, instead of facebook. infact, i have really diminished the amount of time i spend on there, and i have to admit it feels really good. disconnecting myself from the most modern technology can be a really good thing. im sleeping more too, which definitely makes me happier.
but in another sense, i am not exactly living in the moment.
i know i rant on and on about love all the time, but im going to do it again.
i am really struggling with the whole idea of love lately, and whether or not it is a good thing.
its funny, because as a little girl, and actually, until recently, i always just believed that love was a good thing, and that love would solve all my problems. but lately, i have really started to question that. at first, i played with the idea that love doesn't exist. but i dont believe that. infact, i know love exists because ive seen it first hand with my parents. but i dont know if we should all be told that love is the happily ever after. for most people, love isnt good and that deep, true, and honest movie love is ridiculously hard to come by. sometimes, its harder than it is better. on a large scale, i had this conversation with t recently, and she talked about how her parents will always love eachother, but its not good for either one of them. they are getting a divorce. and then on the most personal scale, i hate myself for this, but some days i think i will never love the way i did. and other days i want to kick myself for thinking that, but i cant help it. i guess i wonder if we get it once, that give your whole heart away cant live without you kind of love. i hope not, but at the same time i hope so. if what i had was that kind of love, then i sure as hell hope not. but if i didnt have that yet, then i hope we get it once. love is just a funny thing. i hope to be as lucky as my parents. i decided to watch their wedding video tonight, and i think that showed some true love. my parents were just as inlove the day of their wedding that they are now, and you can and could see it. im proud to come from something like that. i want that for everyone.

i used to cling to the past because of fear, clinging on to the little bit of security that was. now, i look towards the future with optimism. with a sense that maybe love isnt great for everybody, but it could be. that living in the moment has made me happier than wondering about the future, and that just laying in my bed, burning a candle, and reading a book does me just as much good as anything else.

i think it has to do with the fact that i am myself. as i went through middle school and the first 3 years of high school, i struggled with who i was in different places. i was always my raw true self at camp, but at home, there was always this pressure to put on a front and be something i wasnt. fuck that pressure. i am my raw, true self now, everywhere i go. ive said to hell with conforming to be what other people say i should be, to hell with holding back my oddities, to hell with what other people think. i notice crazy things about who i am everyday, and they make me laugh, but make me smile that ive given myself that freedom to discover who i really am.
for example, i LOVE justice. no, not like i want to be a lawyer. but i love to see it in action. maybe this is bad, but i love to see people getting arrested, like a drug bust. i saw one at big lots recently and i just got excited. and on top of that, my favorite thing, is that there is this prisoner work camp thing on the way to the airport and i ALWAYS look for prisoners when we drive by. when i see one, i am satisfied. weird i know, but its just one of the oddities im proud to announce. because as a wise man once said, leave your cool jackets at the door. i've left mine in the closet and have begun to run with my hair down, and im just loving it, and indulging in the beauty of life.

enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. lalala.